मैं कल से तुम्हें भूल जाऊँगा

चार साल होने को आए हैं,

उस दिन को जिस दिन,

मैंने तुम्हें खो दिया था |

अभी तक वो दिन, वो लम्हें, 

मेरे अंदर ज़िंदा हैं,

जब मेरे साथ तीन साल बिताने के,

बस दो दिन बाद,

तुम, उसके हाथों में हाथ डाले,

मेरे सामने घूमा करती थीं |

तुम्हारे और उसके वो जो,

कुछ संवाद मैंने पड़े थे,

वो मुझे आज भी,

शब्द-दर-शब्द याद हैं |

तब, जब मैं मानसिक रोगी सा हो गया था,

मैं नींद का पता भूल चुका था,

और भूख भी कुछ खास लगती नहीं थी,

तब तुम इतना भी ना कर सकीं,

कि मेरी इस हालत को और ना बढ़ातीं |

तुम तो जैसे मेरे सभी ज़ख्मों को,

एक खंजर लेकर जितना हो सके,

उतना गहरा कर देना चाहती थीं |

लेकिन उस बेबसी भरे दौर में भी,

मैं अकेला ना था |

तुम्हारे जाने के बाद,

तुम्हारी यादें तो थीं ही,

साथ में हर पल चुभते,

मुझे तोड़ कर रख देने वाले,

तुमसे जुदाई के एहसास ने भी,

मेरा साथ ना छोड़ा था |

ख़ैर! ये सब बातें अब पुरानी हो गई हैं |

मैं उस दौर से अब निकल चुका हूँ |

अब तो उस दर्द ने भी,

काफ़ी हद तक मेरा साथ छोड़ दिया है |

एक अरसा हो गया है,

जब तुम्हारे नाम का कतरा,

मेरी आँखों से नहीं निकला |

ज़िन्दगी में कई मुकाम पा चुका हूँ मैं,

मगर ये कम्बख्त तुम्हारा ख़याल,

अब भी रोज़ मुझसे होकर गुज़रता है |

तीन बरस हो गए हैं तुमको देखे हुए,

तुम कहाँ हो, कैसी हो,

अब क्या करती हो,

खुश हो या नहीं,

ऐसे कई सवालों के जवाबों के लिए मैं,

अक्सर तड़पा करता हूँ |

और ना जाने क्यूँ,

आज भी जब मैं किसी नए से मिलता हूँ,

कोशिश करता हूँ तुम्हें भुला देने की,

एक नयी शुरूआत करने की,

तुम... तुम मुझे रोक लेती हो |

तुम मेरी ज़िन्दगी से तो चली गयीं,

ना जाने मेरे ज़हन से क्यूँ नहीं गयीं |

लेकिन अब बस बहुत हुआ!

मैंने तय कर लिया है,

कि मैं तुम्हें भूल जाऊंगा |

नहीं! रुको! 

बस आज के दिन और याद कर लेता हूँ |

मैं कल से तुम्हें भूल जाऊँगा |

दौड़ती ज़िन्दगी....

तो जनाब देखिए, बात कुछ ऐसी है कि ये जो ज़िन्दगी है ना, ये एक बिगड़े हुए बच्चे की मानिंद हो गयी है | मेरी बात बिल्कुल नहीं सुनती | जब देखो इधर-उधर भागती रहती है, और मैं इसके पीछे पीछे इस कोशिश में भागता रहता हूँ कि इसको मना लूँ और अपने हिसाब से इसको चलाऊँ | बस इसी कोशिश में सुबह से शाम और शाम से अगली सुबह हो जाती है और मुझको पता भी नहीं लगता | दिन हफ्तों में बदल जाते हैं, हफ्ते महीनों में और महीने सालों में, पर मैं हूँ कि बस, इसके पीछे भागता ही रहता हूँ |

खैर, जिस तरह बच्चे थक जाते हैं ना बहुत देर भागने के बाद, शायद ये भी थक जाएगी एक दिन और मेरे पास आकर बैठेगी मेरी कहानियाँ सुनने के लिए | वो कहानियाँ जिनमें ज़िक्र तो इसी का होगा | हाँ आप लोगों के रूप में कुछ दूसरे किरदार भी होंगे, लेकिन कहानी तो इसके इर्दगिर्द ही घूमेगी | 

तब तक, तब तक तो बस वही रोज़मर्रा की तरह इस keyboard पर उंगलियां चलाते हुए या हाथ में कलम लिए हुए कुछ लिखता जाऊंगा, कभी code तो कभी कहानी, कविता, या कोई नज़्म, ये सोचते हुए कि शायद मैं अपने सपनों को पूरा करने की तरफ चल रहा हूँ |

Let go... Why should I???

Days.. Weeks.. Months.. and then years pass by, but the memories don't seem to go away. Sure, life happens and you get involved in different things, your daily routine changes, your habits might change, but a part of you stays clung to an area of your past that everybody has always, ever, told you to get away from.

But why do we feel that there is such a pressing need to get away from the past? I think that's because we are afraid. People say that if you live in your past, you won't be able to build a future. I don't think they could be more wrong.

Taking a part of your past with you throughout your life doesn't mean you are stagnant. You can grow at a mad pace and still hold your past with you. If you appreciate relationships, if you think memories are made to be remembered, if the word "forever" holds even little meaning for you, you'll understand what I am saying here.

Do at any point of time you love someone with a precondition that he/she stays with you for the lifetime? No, right? You just love. You just love because you never know when does that happen, and once it has happened, there's no going back. Why do we, then, talk about 'moving on' and forgetting our most precious relationships. Why can't we hold on to them as we walk through the journey called life and appreciate the time we spent in those relationships?

From where I see this world, and the way we spend our lives, I see that all of us have messed up in a pretty massive way. ALL OF US! We wake up late, rush to work, spend the day aimlessly working for others, come back late, spend a long time cursing  life, and then go to bed. And in the little time that is left in our busy lives, we try to indulge in meaningless relationships.We find partners just for the sake of it, just because that's the 'trend', not because we have real feelings for the other person. The new trend of these dating apps and the like is in itself a disaster. How can you hope to find a meaningful relationship among people who are all spending hours *only* in swiping left/right on random people in hope of finding 'love'. For all I know, love just happens. You don't have to be so desperate to find it.

I chose to be 'old school' instead of being part of the mad race that is going on this world.  I chose to live life holding the dearest of my memories close to my heart instead of trying to forget them. And I am glad I do this.

Like There's No End

I loved you, like there's no end,
You and me, I thought we blend..
Nights are the same, I am not able to sleep,
Reasons have changed, the smiles have been buried too deep..
Red with roses, used to be this floor,
It remains red, the blood spill is galore...
My spirit is crushed, I am no longer a soul,
Just a walking body, roaming sans a goal...
I still remember, the first look in your eyes,
It was something, that made me trust all your lies...
Yeah I loved you, like there's no end,
Little did I know, breaking hearts is a trend...

The Chaos...

It's chaos. It's a turmoil. There are huge Tsunamis within me right now destroying every bit they are coming across. But that's what Tsunamis are supposed to do anyway, right?

In situations like this, you sit back and reflect on everything that is going on in your life, everything that has happened in your life, everything that you had planned and dreamed of, everything that turned out the way you expected it to, and everything that didn't turn out that way. There's little you can do about any bit of that, but you still hunt for answers. Answers to the Why's. Answers to the How's. And answers to the When's. And when the brain gets tired of framing it's own questions, delivering the self made animated and favorable answers, presenting counter-logics, repeating the questions, giving different, yet still favorable answers, and repeating it all again, it takes you back to a place you do not want to be in. It makes you a body full of frustration, an upset lot of mass, and a dejected being.

Then begins the vicious cycle. The cycle of being depressed, letting that depression & frustration seep into your daily work, and letting the work get messed up further, adding to the frustration.

You need a break, a long and refreshing one, away from the distractions of the mad race of this world and into the lap of mother nature, into a world that was gifted to us in its raw and beautiful form. Go, take that break!!

Yet for me, it is a different story altogether. I love the Tsunamis. I love them, coz they are now a part of me that has been there for quite a long time. Lately, they have started making some abbreviated visits, but they never let me forget them. They make me averse to the activities around me, and this isolation actually works good for me. It acts as an insulation, as a barrier for my frustration from leaking into the lives of people around me. It keeps furthering the chaos, and man, I so love it!!!